What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 08:18
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I will be 64.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I don,t even have a pension.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
But, we were locked up after school.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
How do you leave a relationship when you are still in love?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
My son is possessed, now he has psychosis. Can someone help me?
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Can you share the entire summary of your spiritual life?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ive learnt so much.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Comes on , in middle age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
So whats the point in blame.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I have no regrets .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We were not on the streets..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was scared of men, in general
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was very sick at this time too.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She loved him until the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!